I thought parents no longer hid adoption from their sons and daughters. Moms and dads broach the topic with their children at a young age, explaining what adoption means in simple terms and letting the little ones ask questions. At least that’s how my friends and acquaintances handled it with their kids.
Unfortunately, though, some adoptive parents never tell their children. For whatever reason, they feel compelled to hide the adoption from the adoptee, who grows up believing lies about her family.
If you don’t think telling your child the truth is the right thing to do, then consider how difficult or impossible it will be to hide the adoption forever. In spite of your best efforts to conceal the adoption, it will come to light eventually and you will have to face your son or daughter and deal with a damaged relationship.
Cousins Talk, Adoption Revealed
Here’s a recent example. In a support group, a man revealed that his cousin, a woman in her 30s, did not know she was adopted. Everyone in her extended family knew, everyone except for her. The guy felt burdened by the knowledge. He thinks his cousin should know. He tried to persuade his aunt, the woman’s adoptive mother, to tell her daughter but the aunt refused. She told him to butt out.
The discussion generated dozens of comments, with most commenters in favor of telling the woman but recognizing the truth, especially coming at this late date, would cause inevitable pain. One commenter noted it would be better for the woman to hear it from her mother rather than through a DNA test.
Ultimately, the man bravely told his cousin about her adoption. This guy had the guts to do the right thing, knowing it would turn her life upside down and possibly cause family trouble.
I think his conscious and thoughtful decision to tell his cousin the truth signals how times have changed. I was born in the 1960s and never knew I was adopted. Everyone in my extended family knew but nobody breathed a word. Adoption was the elephant in the room. My sister, Melissa, confirmed everything with one phone call to a cousin. We were in our 30s when we learned about our adoptions.
When to Tell Your Child She’s Adopted
For adoptive parents, the question should not be “do I tell my daughter she’s adopted,” but “when do I tell her?”
Experts encourage adoptive parents to explain adoption to kids at a young age, though exactly when is open to debate. Some experts think it’s best to tell the child when he is between the ages of 6 and 8, while others believe children may benefit from knowing about their adoption at an earlier age. While talking about adoption can be a nerve-wracking experience, adoptive parents should realize telling the child is their obligation.
The adoption talk doesn’t get easier with the passage of time. Putting off the discussion only makes it harder for the adoptee to process the truth. And there’s always a chance the adoptee will find out from someone else.
These days, it’s not realistic to expect an adoption to stay hidden. Anyone who thinks she’s adopted can confirm her suspicions with a DNA test or just by calling the right cousin.
It’s disrespectful for parents to not tell their sons and daughters the truth. Adopted people deserve to know about their biological origins just like everyone else in the family. If parents could trade places with their child, they’d understand why this basic knowledge about one’s identity is so important.
The renowned author Alex Haley eloquently summed up this need:
“In all of us there is a hunger, marrow-deep, to know our heritage- to know who we are and where we have come from. Without this enriching knowledge, there is a hollow yearning. No matter what our attainments in life, there is still a vacuum, an emptiness, and the most disquieting loneliness.”
Good post, Lynn. Hopefully, this will give others the courage to tell a family member.
Good post. I knew from a very early age that myself and my 5 other siblings were adopted. Late in life, at 56, I located and reunited with my birth mother. Also found birth father’s very extended family and have been welcomed by all. I never gave up on my search for my origins. I did not adopt any children myself, but based on my experience, I would have told them at an early age. I had been fed misinformation by people outside my family as to my origins, so it was still quite a shock to find out the real backstory.
Thank you, Donna. Let’s hope that the majority of adopters realize why it’s important to talk to the kids about being adopted.
Kevin, I am sure it’s rewarding and satisfying to know the truth about your biological roots. It’s too bad you had to navigate your way around misinformation to discover the truth but now you have it and nobody can take it from you. Thanks for reading my blog.
Great post, all your posts are good though. The not telling does still happen and makes me so angry.
Sandy, why do you think adopters hide adoption from their kids? Are parents insecure or threatened by bio parents? Hiding it seems so obnoxious and disrespectful. I think it also undermines adoption.
I found your article very comforting as I just learned last week at the age of 45 that I was adopted. Any advice to move forward would be greatly appreciated.
Heather, you must be reeling. Did you have any inkling at all? The discovery took me a long time to process. Are you on Facebook? I suggest you join a closed Facebook group called Late Discovery Adoptees & Family. It’s a very supportive group. The members can relate to our issues. I found it comforting to learn that there were other adoptees like me who grew up not knowing they were adopted. The concealment and sense of betrayal add another layer of complexity to adoption which is already complicated. Are you interested in finding your birth parents? I can give you some suggestions but I realize at this point you probably are trying to process and accept this truth about your identity. You may not be ready to search. If your adoptive parents are living, perhaps you can approach them with your questions. I wish you the best.
I myself found out 9 months ago that I was adopted. It was through one of those DNA companies. My husband signed me up so I could look into my heritage.
I didn’t expect the outcome, which came 8 months after I signed up.
I didn’t seem so strange as to why I didn’t recognize any 2nd and 3rd cousins. As my parents came from England and I grew up in Canada. So I just let it go.
I did however ask my parents several times while growing up if I was infact adopted.
I always had a gut feeling.
They dismissed my curiosity, as it always seem come up during an argument with them.
That is one of the things that bothers me greatly. We are taught to trust our gut feelings, but when true gut feelings are dismissed, one starts to think they have issues with themselves.
I wondered what was wrong with me for having the feeling that “something ” is not right.
I do have insecurity issues, low self esteem, mild separation anxiety, and I believe it stems from what I have lived .
It is only because my birth mother did a DNA test that I found out.
I guess she was curious if I was out there.
Unfortunately she will not speak with me.
My adoptive parents don’t talk about it beyond admitting to it through one phone conversation when I confronted them with this information. They are in their 80’s, and I feel they are too old to deal with this.
I am basically a happy 50 year old woman.
I love life and refuse to let this bring me down to my knees.
But my life has forever been changed.
It hurts very deeply.
Thank you for letting me share this.
Thank you for sharing your story, Tracey. I agree the discovery changes your life forever. It’s an experience the vast majority of people cannot relate to, which is unfortunate for us. I am glad you’re in a good place in life. Thanks for visiting my blog.
I will not be telling our sweet child she is adopted. I do not care about what experts say. Statistics tell me that if my child knows she’s adopted she more likely to do drugs, have depression, feel abandoned, feel like she doesn’t belong. I would rather her have a happy childhood. I never want her to feel like she wasn’t wanted. Both her biological parents are garbage. She is number 5 that’s been taken away. They drugged her and hurt her. She doesn’t need to know that. We have had her almost her entire life. She will never have to feel that again. If she finds out when she is older than it’s a risk we will have to accept but I would rather her have a happy childhood first.
Hello Amanda. I can tell that you are a loving mother who wants nothing but happiness for your child. That’s wonderful. But keep in mind that she likely will learn the truth from someone else and it will hurt. I’m sure there are many, many people who know she’s adopted.Secrets like this are very hard to keep hidden. Thanks for taking the time to visit my blog. Best of luck to you and your family.
Very good blog. As mother to an adoptive daughter, I am debating everyday what I should do and when I should do it. I’d never want to see my child feel insecure or unwanted. But the thought that she would find it later in life through someone’s accidental comment also haunts me. I think maybe when she is older, I will try re-introducing her biological parents back to her life and explaining she is loved and wanted by all it was just the unhappy circumstance in life they had to give her up
Hi Mei. How old is your daughter? I’m sure it’s difficult to know when and how to broach the topic of adoption with a child. I hope she learns the truth from you and not from someone who accidentally reveals it. Thanks for visiting my blog!
Hi Lynne,
Happy to have found your site. I have also requested to join the FB group.
My aunt (adoptive father’s sister) one day screamed down the phone that she and her husband were my biological mother and father. I was 26 and now I’m 28 but still find it too difficult to process the truth. My adoptive parents always hid the truth from me, raised me as an only child, and brought me to another country, away from 7 of my biological siblings. I’ve accepted being adopted. What doesn’t sit well with me is that I have limited connection/bonding with my biological siblings (despite longing for siblings all my life) even when I went to visit them in person, I found myself speaking to them as my cousins. Growing up as an only child made me feel very lonely, I had low self esteem/confidence, was introverted and then always taunted by my adoptive parents for lacking confidence. I feel being adopted and an only child contributed massively to me being a painfully shy and quiet child. I can’t communicate my feelings with my adoptive parents, I feel they’ll shut me down, make me feel bad for bringing it up especially when they gave me everything I wanted in life. Even when my biological mother blurted out the truth, my adoptive parents still didn’t tell me the truth for 3 days, every one of those days, i cried & wanted the truth. After 3 days, they finally sat me down and told me the truth, but more so made it about them not being able to conceive and wanted to hide the truth from me for all my life, and also resenting my biological mother for exposing it. I immediately was on their side and also disliked/blamed my biological mother when now I see she just couldn’t take it anymore and wanted me to know. I have a good husband, child of my own, but feel I need to move past this as it eats me up inside all the time. I have my own life but simply fine it difficult to move forward. Like I said I longed for siblings as a child and an adult but now that I have them, I don’t know what to do with them/how to let them in to my life when we’ve been raised separately.
Hello Hilay. First, I want to say I’m very sorry your adoption was hidden from you. Your adoptive parents should have told you the truth a long time ago. Perhaps they felt if they told you the truth, you’d reject them as parents or embark on a search for your bio parents. I think many adoptive parents feel insecure and don’t or can’t understand the impact hiding the truth has on the adoptee. Sadly, when you grow up separated from your bio siblings, you can’t expect to have typical brotherly or sisterly relationships when you’re reunited. Please give yourself time to process your feelings. I understand you want to put this thing behind you but in my experience, it took many years to come to terms with the deception and forgive my parents and myself. The FB group for late discovery adoptees is very supportive. I wish you the best. Thanks so much for visiting my blog.