It’s strange enough to find out as an adult that you are adopted. It’s even weirder to discover you’re not as unique as you thought you were. Hey, meet your identical twin.
That’s the strange and shocking scenario presented in Identical Strangers, a memoir written by identical twin sisters and adoptees Paula Bernstein and Elyse Schein.
I read this book while on vacation near Cancun, Mexico with my family. (My recipe for a perfect vacation? Put me on a beach, add a good book with a couple of mojitos, and I’m happy.)
Paula and Elyse didn’t grow up together the way sisters normally do. They were raised by different sets of adoptive parents. Early on, they knew they were adopted but they had no clue about their “twinship” until they were in their 30s. Whoa! I cannot imagine how strange it would be to discover as an adult that I had an identical twin sister. It was weird enough to find out the truth about my adoption as a woman well into my 30s. That’s when I learned that my sister, Melissa, and I had been adopted. Of course, this family “secret” was a secret only to Melissa and me. Our cousins, aunts, uncles, God knows who else, all knew about our adoptions. Ah, the joy of being a late discovery adoptee.
Paula and Elyse are late discovery twins. They discovered they were separated as infants for a secret and misguided study on separated twins. Speaking to each other on the phone for the first time, the women realize their voices are practically identical. The sisters both suffered nearly fatal reactions to sulfa drugs. They also suffered from depression. Meeting in person for the first time, Elyse and Paula realized they shared the same mannerisms and even liked the same shade of lipstick.
Yet Paula and Elyse live very different lives. Paula is married, has a little girl and lives in Brooklyn. Elyse, who is single, lives a bohemian lifestyle in Paris.
As an adult, how do you fit a brand new twin sister into your life? Paula has reservations about a relationship with Elyse. Still, they forge a bond. They laugh, they cry, they get on each other’s nerves, just like sisters do. Their many uncanny similarities, shared DNA and love bring the women together.
Elyse and Paula embark on a search for their biological parents. Hey, I can relate to the excitement and pain that goes along with the search for kin. Of course their search leads the sisters to painful realities. Among other things, they learn that their mother, Leda, tried to commit suicide when she was more than 5 months pregnant with them. Like me, Paula and Elyse never got a chance to meet their birth mother, who was long gone by the time they found out about her.
When she discovers Leda is deceased, Paula is relieved.
“A bittersweet mix of relief and sadness sweeps over me,” Paula wrote. “There will be no emotional reunion, no pressure to find a place for our birth mother in my life.”
I know many adoptees wish for nothing less than a happy reunion with their natural mothers. I’m like Paula. I breathed a sigh of relief when I found out Lillian was deceased. Though I still find it fascinating to learn things about Lillian’s life, and would have liked to have met her, I have never had a huge desire for a relationship with the mother who was absent from my childhood.
I remember how much it hurt to find out the woman who brought me into the world battled with demons in her head. Lillian suffered from bipolar disorder. Leda, who suffered from schizophrenia, was hospitalized several times for emotional problems.
Adoption searches force us to face painful truths. Paula and Elyse suffered when they learned the truth about Leda, but their search brought them even closer to each other. Adoptees in search of happy reunions will enjoy this story.
I read this book a number of years ago; as an adoptee I’ve long been fascinated by the “nature vs nurture” discussion. Interesting that my reaction to learning my birth mom deceased before I could connect with her was similar to Paula’s—and yours, a sense of relief that there would be no emotional reunion.
Hi Linda. Maybe I would have felt differently had I found out about my adoption when I was younger. By the time I discovered the truth and found out who my birth mother was, I really was not open to the idea of having another mother in my life. Of course, it was all moot since she was long gone by then.
The reactions above are different from what I would expect. I did not realize that adoptees may be relieved to find their first mothers have died. Maybe that is one reason why some adopted persons wait until they are 50 or so to search for relatives.
I have been reunited with my son for a long time. Now I have to wonder if he was disappointed that I was still alive. (But, I won’t lose any sleep over it.) I am glad you were so honest about your feelings. Thank you for your honesty. You are a good writer and explain things very well.
Pauline, if my birth mother had been living, I would have wanted to meet her but at the same time I would have been apprehensive. I don’t know how she would have responded to a call out of the blue from the daughter she surrendered. And I grew up never feeling very connected to my adoptive mother so that was my experience with the mother I knew. My first mother had a difficult life and I feel compassion for her. I am always happy to learn new things about my first mother’s life. How often do you see your son? Thanks for visiting my blog.
Seeing my son requires a four-hour plane trip, but I am in touch with him or his wife every few weeks. I send cards to his children (my grandchildren). My daughter, her son and I returned from a five-day stay with my son and family just this month. My relationship with my son started out slowly, very slowly, as I knew he needed space. Our relationship did not develop overnight!
I searched for him and found out his identity when he was 23. There were times, early on, when I could have thrown in the towel (given up). There were times of hurt and I had to get through that. My strong belief that we both could be harmed if it didn’t work out caused me to endure and, most of all, to recognize his need for space until he was ready to continue. His girlfriend (who became his wife) played a big part, I think, in encouraging our contact.
Adopted persons and first mothers are learning from each other. Thank you for your truth.
From the accounts of other first mothers and adopted persons, I have learned that reunions often fail because significant others of the found person have a very great impact on the dynamics of reunion. Often these significant others are adoptive parents but can also involve adopted siblings, spouses, friends etc.